I recently figured out some important traits of mine, of which I had known always that they existed in me.. but never bothered to give a second thought to them even by myself.. and am hell sure neither did others. And the best/worst part is that they doesn’t bother me.. and definitely they doesn’t give me a high, they are the most dormant and stagnant facets of my personality.. and somehow I’ve conceded to them, though I cant recall when this initiated. Now I find myself stuck!
Most obvious of them, to me -and to some very few other people who do happen to know me closely enough or have spend sufficient amount of time with me, don’t know whether anyone of them ever actually noticed it- is that I never speak up on some topic which I think myself virtuoso in at any gathering of more than 4-5 people. I realized this today.. in fact a couple of hours ago.. while having dinner at RHYTHM, mind you.. only ‘dinner’ 😦 . It was after a long time that I went out with so many ‘all-guys’ friends, usually it’s just one .. or at other couple of times 2-3.. generally not more than that coz I believe that if you are out with larger group, their ought to be sub-groups.. coz more than 2-or at most 3- people cant talk sense at the same time! Hence I never liked this idea.. you can label me egregious.. or introvert.. I don’t care. And I really don’t care as far as I know that am not doing anything wrong, criteria of ‘wrong’ being solely my discretion. Anyway, getting back to my point.. the reason is equally weird and as incomprehensible to you as it is to me. Sometimes I think I might be to shy or inarticulate to say my point convincingly, but had that been the case then I wouldn’t have blabbered like.. ever, which surely doesn’t happen with me.I guess I am at my talking-best when I am all alone with that person. Whenever some people are discussing anything and am dead silent.. that can has two, and only two reasons-either I’ve no idea of what crap these people are talking about, or I think those people are too naïve and tyro et al, tersely.. not matching my standard of that particular thing! This might sound a little too uppity a la what the hell do I think of myself kinda thingy.. but that’s how I am. I sure would have been a chameleon in my previous births, coz the way I change my body-language and attitude when I am in a company just one and when I am in company of more than one.. boy! its definitely worth having a look at.. I mean I myself is surprised at times with drastic and almost immediate flippings. Not a schizophrenic, at least this much I can assure. The quintessential case is of being cricket .. at one point of time, like when I was a school going kid, am so sure I had hell lot more knowledge and deep insight of it than my peers and many seniors too.. but whenever it was discussed in free-periods, I glibly walked out of it! Only few of my closest buddies knew how much I knew. And people here(in Delhi) have no idea how very well-versed I am with it’s history and some astounding facts.
I decided to write this post when I was at RHYTHM, as mentioned before.. and one of friends began discussion on how much people spend when they are out with girls.(no offence meant, but he has never been out with any girls yet) And I swiftly receded back to my superiority-air-cocoon.. all blaséd. Life hasn’t been that harsh on me.. 😉
Cellar Door 